Disclaimer:

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed here may be fictitious. No identification with actual persons, products, or companies—even a very large nearly nondescript aircraft manufacturer (living or defunct) is intended or should be inferred.

To our esteemed consumers, airline customers, shareholders, regulators, and all those willing to give us a chance,

We are excited to announce a bold new direction for our company. It is high time we diversify and secure new sources of revenue. Moving forward, please be advised that we will continue to design, manufacture, and sell our traditional lineup of airplanes, rockets, missiles, and satellites. Additionally, we are thrilled to introduce an exciting array of new experiences, including mid-flight plunges, post-takeoff blow-offs, exotic safety episodes, and flight control jams. These thrilling additions will be available worldwide, ensuring that our customers enjoy a journey like never before.

We continue to implement immediate, drastic changes and develop a comprehensive action plan to offer all our constituents more than mere transportation from point A to point B. The flying public is looking for new sensations and astonishing experiences, and we are committed to meeting and exceeding those expectations. We are prepared to face any challenges that come our way, including congressional hearings, production setbacks, delivery delays, multiple federal investigations, and even a few sizzling criminal probes as we work towards our new goal.

We are squarely, absolutely, and radically focused on taking significant, demonstrated action with safety and transparency in mind at every turn. If a federal investigation revealed that we likely did not put the blots in the door plug designed to prevent a part from blowing off one of our planes, it's just because we did not know that we had to put the blots in the door plug to avoid the said blow-off.

If we had known we had to put the blots in the so-called door plug to avoid the said blow-off, our engineers would have done so—or at least someone else would have. Further, if we have not yet provided our firm's records documenting the steps taken on the assembly line for the door plug replacement on one or more of our dignified jets, please rest assured that it is because those records don’t exist. If only we could record everything, we sure would.

Questions about how strange it is that the relevant authorities at one of our airline customers requested the aircraft to be taken out of service for a rigorous maintenance check the very day of the blowout that left a gaping hole in our most beautiful fuselage, has us floored. Per usual, we are all investigating.

In a similar vein, the sudden mid-flight plunge of one of our planes, which injured dozens of passengers, is regrettable. Still, the truth is it’s not yet clear what caused the pilot to temporarily lose control of the aircraft flight, the plane to fall so dramatically, and our stock to shave a few extra billion dollars off in market value.

That some of those incidents resulted in a temporary nationwide grounding of several of our models and, most heartbreakingly, our stock, which has had its own mid-flight plunge, post-takeoff blow-off, and hard landing, will soon, however, be firmly in the past.

In the end, the pilot recovered and landed the plane safely. Everybody on this flight has great memories to narrate their grandchildren, which brings us to our next point: diversify, diversify, and diversify.

The Federal Aviation Administration may have flagged safety problems with the de-icing equipment on some of our models that could cause engines to lose thrust. However, this has everything to do with weather conditions and nothing to do with our factories and engineers. And we see all these new challenges as opportunities for growth and innovation. Enjoying strong gusts, heavy precipitation, bands of thunderstorms, and the development of several tornadic vortex signatures may constitute another original way to entertain you all at no extra cost.

With the experience gained, we are confident that we can achieve our emerging objectives of attracting new customers, creating new revenue streams, and competing in new markets – thrill rides, amusement flights, and air-bound casinos.

No worries, our engineers are in charge. Please enjoy your flight. By the way, rumors that you should fly any airline you wish, but not our firm's planes, because our jets may not fly, are ill-placed.

Thank you for your thrust trust and support as we embark on this exciting new journey (not on a competitor's plane).

Perfect timing: My train has just arrived.